In Search of: The Perfect Processional Song

I thought I'd found it: Radiohead's "All I Need." And then I googled the lyrics:

I am the next act waiting in the wings
I am an animal trapped in your hot car
I am all the days that you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I am in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I am a moth who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect trying to get out of the night
I only stick with you because there are no others

You are all I need
You are all I need
I am in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all right
It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all right
It's all right

Well, I should've expected that Radiohead wouldn't do a straight up love song. Back to the drawing board.

Working on the Ceremony and the Timeline

This weekend we met with our officiant to begin to discuss the ceremony structure. We decided we want him to write everything except for the vows/ring exchange section, which is the most personal part; he says he'll help us if we need it, but he's not comfortable putting words in our mouths! Mr. T and I had a pre-meeting dinner discussion on Saturday to talk over what we wanted to cover, and then we discussed it all over again with our officiant yesterday.

Mr. T's emphasis is that the wedding is mere formality of a bond that already exists, and will continue to. Mine is that a wedding is not two people becoming one blob, but rather two individuals who are working together not only on the relationship, but on their own personal evolution.

We also discussed when we met, how we fell in love, what we admire about each other, and all that good stuff. It was really sweet to hear and to say and Mr. T actually surprised me with some of the things he said that he admired about me. I was so honored. And this is after almost 12 years! It's amazing, when you find the right person, they continue to surprise and delight you year after year. It was also nice, after a weekend of swearing and smearing ink and wasting envelopes, to remember why we're doing all of this.

We decided to include a reading, after declaring earlier we didn't want any. It was just so cute and funny and touching that we couldn't resist it. The BM has graciously said she'll read it during the ceremony for us. Since she's an actress, we thought she'd be just the person to pull it off.

Since our officiant is married to our day-of coordinator, we also met with her yesterday! We worked on a timeline for the day and talked about a lot of the little details. The issue that has me a little stymied is the costume contest, which sounds fun in theory (and we totally want to acknowledge the people who go all-out!) but is difficult in execution--seriously, if everyone wants to enter, this could take hours! So we're still working on that one.

Last night on the way home we were just so drained. For two introverts, talking about yourself all day long is exhausting! Still, I suppose it's good practice for being the center of attention on the day.

145 Days to Go and OMG, We Have So Much To Do

I finally joined The Knot because they had some articles on Halloween weddings I wanted to read. The articles weren't really worth it, it turns out.

I had to put in our wedding date as part of my registration and I got an automatically generated checklist. These are the things we haven't done, and many of them are overdue according to The Knot:

• Make sure to insure your engagement ring. [We do need to do this. We also need renter's insurance. Sigh.]
• Decide on and meet with your officiant to discuss ceremony structure. [We've emailed some stuff, but no real discussions yet.]
• Brides: Start shopping for bridesmaid dresses. [Actually, the MOH and I are going to visit the other bridesmaid in LA this weekend for girl fun and dress shopping! I can't wait, it's going to be such a fun little trip.]
• Register for your wedding gifts, and don't forget to include some choices appropriate for your upcoming bridal shower as well. [GAH. No progress. We decided to register at Bed, Bath, & Beyond, but aside from agreeing that we need new knives, we don't know what to register for.]
• Brides: Decide on the bridesmaid dresses. [See above...maybe we'll get that done this weekend, or maybe the girls will just be left to their own devices. My only stipulation is that the dresses be black, and not too short!]
• Book a baker [done], choose your wedding [cup]cake[s] design[s] [to be done], and send a deposit [done].
• Start planning the rehearsal dinner. [No luck on this front. I've researched a few places, but we've only tried one, with disappointing results. We need to get back on this. I would love a more informal dinner, like Mexican food with margaritas, but there's not much near our wedding venue/hotel. Sigh.]
• Start working on your invitation wording and design. [I am happy to report we started doing this last weekend, even though Mr. T had a cold. That's info for a separate post, though.]
• Finalize your invitation wording. [TBD]
• Finalize menu and service details with caterer. [We still need to pick a vegetarian main dish and a passed appetizer. We're not doing that until October, though, so The Knot will need to scream at us until then.]
• Order your invitations and announcements (don't forget plenty of extra envelopes). [Again, TBD. Invites will take 2-4 weeks to print after a proof is approved, so we're thinking we'll send them to the printer mid-July or so. I'm torn on the envelopes...it's tempting to just have the printer do the return addresses for us, but another part of me would love to do either black envelopes with orange lining or vice-versa. And that means ordering envelopes and doing custom liners. Hm.]
• Start thinking about flower arrangement styles you like, and figure out what flowers will be in season on your wedding day. [Well, I guess I have thought about it. But I'm not entirely sure about the seasonal thing.]
• Decide on a floral scheme, choose flowers. [Not really done. Except I'd like Fall colors, and primarily reds, burgundies, and a bit of orange.]
• Reserve tables, chairs, and/or other rental equipment you'll need (unless caterer or site is taking care of it). [Mostly this is done, but we have some stereo equipment stuff to sort out.]
• Grooms: Start looking to buy or rent tux, suit, or other formal attire. [We did start...we just didn't see much! And other plans have prevented us from going shopping again. Can you hear me hyperventilating yet? This list is a mile long!]
• Book rehearsal-dinner site. [Um, no. See above.]
• Book hotel room for your wedding night. [We haven't done this yet. I think Mr. T would like us to stay at a high-end hotel near our wedding venue, whereas I would just like it to be easy, so I want us to stay at the venue (although The Claremont is sounding mighty tempting). So we're still discussing.]
• Compile packages for out-of-town guests with hotel reservation (done) and city information, and mail them out. [Our "wedsite" gives hotel info, but no city info. I'm undecided about mailing out packets, but I suppose I could put something together...in all my free time.]
• Grooms: Decide on your groomsmen's attire. [I doubt if Mr. T has put much thought into this. He only has one groomsman, so it's a little easier. I think he'd like his brother to wear a suit, but who knows what color suit, or what color shirt, or tie!]
• Book your honeymoon flights (if not using frequent flyer miles) and make all your other travel reservations. [I'm putting this one in Mr. T's lap...the mini-moon, that is. When we take a real honeymoon trip I'll be recovered enough to help plan it. For the mini-moon I'd like relaxation, good food, and a massage or two. And some nice scenery.]
• Brides: Choose your bridesmaids' accessories (shoes, gloves, etc.) and either purchase or pass along purchasing information. [Well, my girls can pick their own shoes, and they don't need gloves!]
• Grooms: Give all of the groomsmen the information they need to buy and/or reserve their attire. [Nothing done here; see above.]
• Pick out or design a ketubah or other marriage contract required by your religion. [We don't have to worry about this one. Check!]

Note that this checklist is not everything we have to do...it's just everything we should be doing during this timeframe...next month, there will be even more items looming over us! It's feeling a little insurmountable at the moment. One thing at a time, right?

Officiant: Check

Mr. T and I have been mulling over who should be our officiant for a few months now. I mean, we've vaguely been thinking about it since we got engaged, but we really seriously began to talk about it in the last couple of months. We knew that, being the heathens we are, we were never going to get married in a church or by a religious official, so it became clear we should draft one of our friends into doing the job (thanks to the wonderful Universal Life Church...hey, I guess we are going to be married by a religious official...the ULC is a church, after all!).

We came up with some basic guidelines for our officiant candidates:

1. Knows and is close to both of us. This seemed important not only because this is a very important day for us, but also so the officiant would feel comfortable talking about us as a couple in front of our assembled friends and family. And, as one of my friends put it, it's nice if the officiant is invested in your success and growth as a couple.
2. Is comfortable speaking in front of a crowd. We didn't want to put someone on the spot...I know what it is to hate public speaking, and it's hard to say no to a friend, so we could potentially have caused someone a lot of anguish if we picked a wallflower.

We eliminated the MOH, although she was who I originally thought would officiate. Mr. T really thought she should be the MOH, though, and after I thought about it some more, I agreed. After that we discussed other friends...Mr. T was wavering between who would stand up with him as a groomsman, thereby possibly eliminating some candidates, but we finally settled on one of our close friends and popped the question to him at brunch on Sunday.

After the waiter took our order I launched into my unprepared speech, starting with, "We wanted to talk to you about something." He immediately said, "Oh my god, this is an Ulterior Brunch!" and we laughed and had to agree. Then I talked about how we loved him, etc. and ended with asking him if he'd be our officiant. He looked shocked but also very happy, so I knew we'd chosen well. He got super excited about it.

It feels good to have our close friends participating in our wedding (our officiant's partner is going to be our day-of coordinator), and it also feels good to check something off the list. It seems funny to think that we only have 11 months to go, now! OMG, we need to get some stuff done!

Research

Mr. T and I attended his business partner's wedding this Saturday. Not only was it fun, but we got to make mental notes for our own wedding! They got married in lovely Half Moon Bay, which is about 45 minutes away (more with traffic, as we discovered on Saturday), a lovely coastal town. Many of the guests spent the night in the B&B where the wedding was held, but because we are frugal and also procrastinators, we opted to drive down and back both nights.

Friday night the couple had a meet and greet in a pub. I liked the casual atmosphere. We are planning on doing something similarly relaxed for our "rehearsal dinner"--probably a pizza party with pumpkin carving. I liked the idea of opening up the rehearsal dinner to more of the wedding guests. Depending on the venue, we may think about doing that...plus, it means fewer pumpkins that I have to carve myself! ;-)

Saturday we drove down in the afternoon. I was late getting ready, as usual, and Mr. T was going to get dressed at the B&B after we got there, so I'm afraid I stressed him out. I have to remember to leave myself extra time on our wedding day. Mr. T got dressed in one of his coworker's rooms and we got ourselves out to the B&B garden and found seats in time for the ceremony. It was a little chilly outside, but not too bad, and the garden was beautiful. The bride and groom walked in together to Iron & Wine. I like the idea of walking together, but I think my dad probably wants to "give me away". It's something to think about, though.

I was pretty restrained and didn't cry too much, but as usual, I did have a coughing fit in the middle of the ceremony. I always pack cough drops for this reason. I have a contrary throat. I liked that the bride and groom wrote a poem for their friends and family. I don't know if Mr. T and I are up to poetry. Perhaps he can do some drumming and I'll do an interpretive dance to tell folks how happy we are that they're at the wedding. On second thought...no.

One thing I noticed was that although I could hear their officiant fine (he had a mic), I couldn't hear any of the bride or groom's vows, because the mic was not handed over to them. That was a bummer. Note to self: Need mic for all speakers at the ceremony.

After the ceremony we mingled and had appetizers and drinks. They weren't serving hard alcohol, but luckily the B&B had a bar, so I went and bought myself a drink...or rather, one of Mr. T's business partners bought me a drink! I would really like to make sure there's hard alcohol at our wedding, if for me alone. Some folks just don't like beer or wine. So, even if we have to go cash bar for the liquor, we've gotta do it.

The mingling was fun but perhaps a touch too long. I was pretty hungry by the time dinner came (most of the appetizers had dairy in them, so being a lactard, I didn't eat much). Note to self: provide some nondairy appetizers. Not that I expected that at someone else's wedding, but at mine, I'm gonna eat something! ;-) The other thing that happened during this time is that folks started claiming tables (there was no seating chart). I didn't notice until almost too late; luckily, we were able to score a table together with Mr. T's work crew. Dennise, you told me that a seating chart was the way to go, but I didn't quite believe you. Now, I think you may have been right all along!

The bride designed, wrote, and illustrated a cookbook for the wedding favors. I forget where she got them printed, but it was relatively inexpensive. The groom wrote an album for the bride, so that CD was the other half of the wedding favor. I really loved the favors. The cookbook in particular is so handy! And it's funny and contains blurbs about what and how they cook together. Very fun idea.

Dinner was buffet style, which is what we're planning on doing. The line did get long for a minute, but it wasn't too bad. The food was great and had different options for meats, but only one vegetarian option, and no vegan options. At our wedding, even though I don't think any of our guests will be vegan, I'm definitely going vegan for one dish. We do know more than one lactard, so I think it's important for us.

During dinner there were a couple of toasts (avec champagne), which we couldn't really hear. I think that was because we were outside...the sound just floated away. We won't have that particular issue. The same for the music after dinner--it never really got loud enough for dancing. I don't think that was their focus, though. Before the wedding I had asked the bride if there would be dancing, and she shrugged and said "Maybe!"

The bride and groom did do their own sweet first dance, and even though we couldn't hear what they were dancing to, we all cheered.

After dinner it started to get really chilly, so we were happy to go inside for cake--carrot cake! It's funny, Mr. T and I were just discussing carrot cake, b/c he loves it, but didn't think it would be a popular enough flavor, so we opted not to serve it at the engagement party. Based on how quickly that thing disappeared, I don't think he needed to worry! I think we'll probably over-order on the cupcakes to make sure everyone gets one or two...dessert is really the best part, after all.

The bride and groom were happy and also very dazed. Now that all the planning was over, they didn't know what to do with themselves. The groom told me, "I feel like there's something I should be doing, but I guess I'm done!" I thought that was interesting and that probably happens all the time at weddings. I hope that we are able to enjoy the moment without worrying about what's left to do, or what didn't go right. I in particular am a worrier. I hope I can be in the moment!

The merriment went pretty late--the ceremony started at 2 and there were still folks there at 10, when we left--but I think that was in part because folks were staying at the Bed and Breakfast. It was nice, though; folks changed into comfy clothes and settled into the bar. I hope we have a good crew who stays with us till the end! Who am I kidding, I know we will!

All in all, a very satisfying kickoff to the wedding season.